Selfish And Wrong
by LikeAVision
Summary: It hurts to find out you aren't perfect like you and everyone else used to think.JPLE Oneshot.Lily POV.T for swearing.


Disclaimer:If I owned Harry Potter,I would be vacationing in exotic places and buying couture gowns,not sitting in front of the computer whiling my time away.

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**Selfish And Wrong**

The question is, not when did it happen, but when did you realise?

Because when you think about it, it had always been there-hidden beneath the teasing and the pranking and the insouciance and the obnoxiousness. Hidden beneath his vanity, his ego, there was just another boy; and you hadn't realised that, just as you hadn't realised that he was in love. With you.

Which brings you back to the question-just when was it that you realised that this was not a chase? That this was about you, not about 'Evans the prude'?

Because that might have been the moment that changed everything.

The thing is-it's not that you're desperate. You could have boyfriends; maybe not as good looking and as popular as Potter, but you'd never needed good looking and popular. It's just that you're not a very pretty girl, though you do try. There are things that set you apart from other girls, that make you look-well, not the way you're supposed to look if you want to be pretty. Your face is too square; your hair is too red; your nose is of a strange shape; and you have the occasional zit problem. It hurts, sometimes, to see the other girls who seem to handle it all so easily. But you learnt to ignore the hurt a long time ago. You learnt how to not be pretty.

So was it a strange thing, was it your fault that you didn't believe, ever, that he could love you? That you turned down each and every offer of his to take you to Hogsmeade with ever-more-witty comments? That you shoved the pink roses he got you one Valentine's Day back in his face? That you refused to interact with him, even, that you declared him your worst enemy (oh, how naive you were)? That you _bitched_ about him to within an inch of your life and made _everyone_ except your friends think you were _deranged_?

It wasn't your fault.

It wasn't your fault.

It _wasn't_ your fault.

And you should _not_ be feeling guilty now.

Simply because he's been bringing you breakfast in the Heads' Dorm when you forget to eat (how does he even notice?).Simply because he's been marking pages in books for _your _homework and leaving them on the table in front of the fireplace in the Common Room. Simply because he leaves a mug of hot chocolate with them too. Simply because Alice isn't talking to you for a year now because she says you've been nothing but a jerk to Potter, and you're realizing she may be right.

You didn't use to think you were in the wrong here.

And you don't want to be in the wrong now, either.

Because what all are you supposed to deal with, anyway?

Your best friend has joined an evil coven practicing all sorts of dark magic. Your sister is getting married to someone who hates you and calls you an animal, a freak to your face. Your parents-

And suddenly, oh Merlin-

Oh, you're _not_ supposed to cry. Because you're standing in a Hogwarts corridor where anyone might pass and see you, and it isn't really great for Lily Evans, Head Girl, student extraordinaire, a witch who's going places, to be seen heaving great, gasping sobs like a _baby_.

Shut up, just-shut up-

You were wrong, you were so, so wrong, you were wrong throughout your whole life about everything, _everything_, and it's all exploding in your face now. You should have let your mum hug you goodbye at the train station. You should have told Tuney when you were still talking to not get married to that big, fat, blond arselhole. You should have told her she was pretty (even if it wasn't true) and that she would get a better guy. You shouldn't have fought with your dad last summer. You should have asked Severus what was wrong. You should have gone out on a date with him, if it would have made him happy. You shouldn't have walked away.

You shouldn't have been so _vile_ to Potter.

You are selfish, you realise, with an odd sinking feeling in your chest, you are selfish. You are selfish in your vision of the world, because you see it with the view of a hypocrite-you want to believe you're open minded and you see the best in people, but really, you only see what you want to see.

Whereas James is generous, and kind, and he still gives when there is nothing to receive, and how can he still love you(and you know now, with a sense of despair, that he loves you, and you kind of hate yourself for that)when you are, well, such a _stinking_ _bitch_?

Sometimes you wonder whether you deserved what was coming to you.

But no one deserves having their everything taken away like that.

Do they?

You need comfort, but you can't-you just can't-right now. It still hurts too much, it's still too raw. Everything. Especially-_oh_-Mum and Dad. It's scared you, you feel scared. You can't protect anyone with love, and you don't ever know what's going to happen next. It's been months now and you're still hurting and closed-up.

But-you still wish you could go to James, and just sit with him. You have this _weird _idea that it'll make everything right-that _he'll _make everything right.

How can someone be so near and so far at the same time?

You're ashamed of yourself now-you can't even face him. And he doesn't talk to you either, and then you feel even more ashamed. But you need him, and only him. You know that, because he's the one who'll love you unconditionally and hold you forever and heal your wounds. And you just need to _collapse_ in someone's arms right now, but his aren't open.

Terrible timing, Lily.

But you know you brought this upon yourself.

You hate yourself.

You stupid,stupid bitch.

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A/N: Very little editing-so if you find it absolutely terrible, tell me.


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